Toddler tantrums: what actually helps, and what the evidence says to avoid

Toddler tantrums are a normal part of early development, not a sign that something has gone wrong with your child or your parenting — and the responses with the best evidence behind them are calm, consistent and unglamorous, while the two things paediatricians now explicitly advise against are smacking and shouting [s1][s2]. There is no quick trick that stops tantrums; the realistic goal is to ride them out safely, avoid rewarding them, and set up the day so fewer of them happen [s1].

Why they happen

Tantrums are common in toddlers because they are still learning how to manage strong feelings, and they often start around 18 months, when children want to express themselves and be independent but cannot yet do either fully [s1]. Frustration — being tired, hungry, over-stimulated, or unable to get or say what they want — spills over into crying, screaming, kicking or throwing themselves to the floor [s1]. Understanding a tantrum as a developmental stage rather than deliberate defiance is what makes the recommended responses make sense: the behaviour is being driven by a brain that has not finished building its self-control machinery [s1].

What the evidence supports doing

The NHS advice is practical and consistent with wider guidance: try to find out why the tantrum is happening, stay calm rather than escalating, and where the tantrum is a bid for attention, do not give in to what the child is demanding [s1]. Distraction before things boil over, keeping to predictable routines for sleep and meals, and giving a young child simple choices so they feel some control can all reduce the frequency of outbursts [s1]. When one is under way, the priority is keeping the child safe and waiting it out; afterwards, calm reassurance rather than a long negotiation [s1].

For families where difficult behaviour is more entrenched, the strongest evidence sits with structured parenting programmes rather than any single tactic. A Cochrane review of behavioural and cognitive-behavioural group-based parenting programmes pooled 13 trials with 1078 participants (646 in the intervention group and 432 in control) and found that parent training produced a statistically significant reduction in child conduct problems, whether measured by parents (standardised mean difference −0.53, 95% confidence interval −0.72 to −0.34) or by independent observers (SMD −0.44, 95% CI −0.77 to −0.11) [s3]. The same programmes improved parental mental health (SMD −0.36, 95% CI −0.52 to −0.20) and reduced harsh parenting, and the reviewers judged them cost-effective [s3]. These programmes are designed for children with persistent conduct problems, not ordinary toddler tantrums — but they show that teaching parents consistent, non-harsh strategies changes behaviour measurably [s3].

What to avoid

The clearest change in expert advice in recent years concerns punishment. The American Academy of Pediatrics, in its 2018 policy statement, recommends that parents do not use corporal punishment — including spanking — and do not use harsh verbal discipline such as shouting or shaming, because the evidence links these to worse behaviour over time and to increased risk of harm, with no benefit over other methods [s2]. The AAP frames effective discipline instead around a strong, supportive relationship, positive reinforcement of wanted behaviour, and consistent, calm responses to unwanted behaviour [s2]. Giving in to a tantrum to make it stop teaches the child that tantrums work, which is why the NHS advises against rewarding the behaviour you want to reduce [s1].

Related everyday questions sit nearby: the evidence on when children are ready for the toilet is in our review of potty-training timing, and how much sleep matters — an overtired toddler tantrums more — is covered in how much sleep children need by age.

When to seek help

Most tantrums fade as language and self-control mature through the third and fourth years [s1]. It is worth speaking to a health visitor or GP if tantrums are unusually frequent or severe, are getting worse rather than better, persist well beyond the preschool years, or if a child holds their breath and faints, or hurts themselves or others [s1]. A child whose behaviour is causing serious difficulty at home or nursery may benefit from a structured parenting programme of the kind the trial evidence supports [s3]. This article is informational and not medical advice; a clinician can assess an individual child and rule out other causes [s1].